A Whole Mess of Black Sheep
by Ilirenelluithauren
Summary: A couple of girls are marooned on an island that happens to be the home of some attractive recently marooned males. they escape and stumble upon the always sexy Cap'n Jack, but it's before he became a pirate. Meet the chicks who made him the way he is.
1. Chapter 1

It's Back! Whoo! Yay!

**A Whole Mess of Black Sheep**

FallenCherub: Poppet, Do ya want to start another story?

Poppet: Yeah, definitely! Let's do one based on PotC!

FallenCherub: Ok! My character will be named Sofia.

Poppet: Mine Abi.

FallenCherub: Wow! The online version of this conversation has a lot less profanity than the real one.

Poppet: You're right!

Disclaimer: Walt Disney singing at the front of the ship: Ya pillage, ya plunder, ya rifle and loot! Sue her me hearties yo ho! I'll kidnap and ravage and not give a hoot! Sue her me hearties yo ho! (In other words, it's all Disney's)

Note: This was kicked offline earlier because it was supposedly not a PotC fanfic, but I assure you this will include Jack Sparrow. He'll be in the story later. Also, this is just a bunch of nonsense me and my friend wrote so, expect humor, not brilliance.

The ship plowed through the water, throwing white wings of sea spray into the air. None of this was visible to the miserable prisoners chained below decks, victims of a violent mutiny. The once jolly pirate ship Horizon was now a place of fear and sullen anger, soon to be two people lighter.

Sofia Drake quietly comforted her friend, Abi. Abigail Tique was the reckless, spontaneous type, compared to Sofia's careful, thoughtful manner. Both were completely mad.

"I'm sorry I got you into this, Abi," she said miserably.

Abi turned to her companion slowly. "I'm glad to be with you, Sofia drake, here at the end of all things."

There was a pause, then both girls laughed. The laughter slowly faded back into silence. The captain was dead, and those two were the only two loyals still alive.

Who knows how long that will last, Abi thought. She cocked her head to the side. "We're not moving."

"Now we can draw two conclusions from this," said Sofia scientifically, adopting a German accent.

"Yeah," Abi said sarcastically, "either we're being attacked, in which case we'll probably be left her in a sinking ship to die, or they're going to maroon or kill us. Fun."

(Abused Dancer: I want to write something! Give it to me.

Poppet: Alright, fine, but just for a little.)

"There is always the chance that we may be marooned on a beautiful island," said Sofia grimly.

"Right…and did you ever hear from the people marooned on the beautiful islands?" Abi asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"No, and that just goes to show that they enjoyed their stay."

"What we need is to be marooned on an island with lots of food and attractive natives who _aren't_ cannibals."

"Do you think they would have clothes or…" her voice trailed off.

"Ugh! You can't be serious. We are talking about death and you are thinking about some sexy, non cannibalistic, native in a loincloth," snapped Abi.

Sofia eloquently arched one eyebrow, a distant look in her eyes and a mischievous smile on her face. Abi rolled her eyes in exasperation.

Their dialogue was interrupted by an ugly pirate with a leering grin on his face. "We're gonna have fun wiv you two!" he said in a voice lacking any semblance of intelligence.

"I think I would prefer that native," Abi muttered under her breath.

"What was that missy?" A cloud of halitosis accompanied the words.

Abi choked out a nothing and then glared at him. Sofa deliberately pushed the grimy face away. (Have no fear, ladies and gentlemen. Abused Dancer has officially been discouraged from further additions to the story with a little help from Bubba. She will no longer be contributing.)

"Oy! Stinky!" called a voice from above. "Haven't you got them girls yet? If you spoil 'em we won't be none too happy."

Stinky grudgingly unlocked the prisoners and dragged them on deck, to be pawed and leered at by ugly pirates.

"I hope they rape us!" said Abi loudly, cueing Sofia. She was not a superb actress and the words came off as loud and wooden.

"Shush, Abi," returned Sofia, catching on. "They won't rape us if they know about the CURSE!" Sofia accented the last word, making the pirates around her jump nervously.

"W-what curse?" squawked a young pirate.

"The one that eats away the manhoods of men who violate us!" said Abi, grinning evilly. Several pirates clutched the aforementioned as though fearing that simply being near the two would activate the curse.

"Yer all idiots!" The gravely voice of the once first mate, now captain, rang out across the boats. "Yer members are safe. Now, fer you two..." He gestured off to the starboard side. An island loomed in the distance about three hundred yards off. "You get off here."

The two blanched. "Yer supposed to ge' closer. Ya throw us in the brig fer two days and then expec' us ta swim tha' far yer mad!" Abi cried.

"Miss Abigail Tique, I do believe it's qui'e a contradiction when the likes o' you call anyone mad. Now ge' off me ship."

"On the contrary," said Sofia, smiling politely and bowing with all the gentility of a well born noble to the gruff pirate captain. "Ladies first."

The first mate did not fail to see the insult and grabbed the diminutive Sofia by her collar, hauling her to the newly rigged plank. Sofia walked out, examining the waters below. She licked her lips and cleared her throat. "What about all that business of a pistol wiv a single shot?"

"Do ye want the long answer or the short?" he drawled.

"I'm a bit short on time here," said Sofia, eloquently gesturing to the planks and water below.

"Fine then, no."

"Oh, come on, old chap!" she said in desperation. "It's in the code, luv!"

"We'll give one ta Miss Tique," he said, grinning. "Only one shot fer the both of ye."

"Thank God," she said, relieved. She tipped her wide-brimmed hat. "Good day, gentlemen." She walked off the end of the plank, connon-balling into the briny deep.


	2. Chapter 2

Poppet: (Jumping up and down holding a script) Yessssss! Yesssss! Precious! Precious!

FallenCherub: Quiet, missy! Cursed movie makers sail these waters. You don't want to bring them down on us, now, do ya? (She hits Poppet over the head.) Idiot.

Poppet: (Looking ashamed) Sorry.

The pirates turned to Abi. "Well, now that she's gone, we can get it on!" Her only replies were blank stares. "Right, well, might as well get a running start." Breaking into a sprint, Abi darted past the former first mate, grabbing his pistol, and launched herself over the side of the ship.

Sofia surfaced as Abi hit the sea, spouting water like a whale and rolling onto her back as though she were going for a swim at a pool, not being marooned.

"Lovely day for a paddle, innit?" she said to her friend.

"Guess whose pistol we have?"

A tiny whistling sound alerted Abi to danger and she dodged as a bullet whizzed past her head.

Sofia began swimming away, calling back to Abi. "Somebody isn't a happy chappie!" Sofia gestured rudely to the ship and dove deep, followed by a hail of curses and bullets.

Abi also dove deep, holding her breath until bullets stopped speeding past her. When she surfaced she was a mere two hundred and fifty yards away from the island. She followed her friend to the shore. Dragging themselves on shore, the two women gasped for breath.

"Damn it," Abi said without emotion.

Sofia concurred with a similar stream of unemotional profanity.

"That was a bloody long swim," Abi summed up. "And now we're going to have to do things to survive aren't we? That's the worst thing about being marooned. You can't just sit on your arse and wait to die. You have to attempt to postpone the inevitable."

Sofia nodded and gently removed the pistol from Abi's hands as her friend ranted. Whistling softly, she extracted the shot and dissected it, careful not to lose any of the pieces. She selected the hammer and the trigger and separated them, stowing the rest in her bandana. Abi finally finished her tirade, observing in distress that her friend had dismantled their road to the hereafter.

"You know, I would have worked it so you died too. We could have lined up or something. You could have put your head on mine, a single shot through my chin, through my head and into yours, if you're lucky." A blank look was her only reply. "Fine. I'll go this way, you go that way and we'll meet back here."

Abi walked off muttering. After scanning the island from the shoreline for a while, she got bored and plunged into the relatively thick vegetation. "Ooh, that looks edible." Abi bent down and heard a rustle behind her. She spun and unsheathed her sword, only to see one pointed at her throat. The man holding it had a very prominent jaw.

"Drop it," he said.

"I'm no' leaving my sword here."

He took it from her. "Go." He ushered her back onto the beach.

As they came onto the sandy beach, there was a whistling, clacking sound. There was a grunt and a thud and Abi spun to find her captor spread eagled on the sand. There was a strange device wrapped around his neck. It was made of three strings tied together at one end, with three objects that Abi recognized tied to the other: the hammer, shot, and trigger of the pistol.

Sofia ran up out of the woods. "sorry 'bout that, luv…Who's this bastard?"

"Idunno. Who are you?"

"A bastard, apparently," grumbled the man, rubbing his head. Abi disarmed him and Sofia retrieved her makeshift weapon.

"You find anything?"

"Nah…not as much as you anyway," said Sofia, gesturing to the man. "Ye have a name, sir?"

"Dom!" called a voice from the trees. Abi and Sofia whirled.

Perched in a palm tree was a young man with shoulder length hair and a very off hat.

"You idiot," Dom said.

The man's eyes were very sensitive, and now they widened, increasing his resemblance to a puppy.

"Ok," said Sofia. "We're clearly going about this the wrong way…You." She pointed authoritatively to Dom. "Where'd you come from? Who are you?"

"Sir, yes, sir," he said, jumping to his feet militarily. "Dom Monaghan, sir, of the pirate ship Dark Skies, marooned at 0800 hours this morning!"

Sofia grabbed the saluting hand and shook it vigorously. "Sofia Drake of the pirate ship Red Horizon, at yer service, luv."

"How do you know it was 0800? What time is it now?" Abi asked.

"How should I know?" he shrugged and grinned. "I'm a pirate. I don't know clocks!"

"Useless bastard. And you," Abi said, pointing at the tree-man. "No way yer a pirate."

"I've known him fer years and I still don't know what he is," said Dom, smiling crookedly.

"My name is Sam," said the tree-man in a soft voice.

Abi cocked her head, smiling slightly. "So have you two found any food around here?"

Dom shrugged. "Nope, just palm leaves and you two."

"Mmm, palm leaves. Well, I bet Sofia would be pretty good." Her eyes widened and her voice deepened. "You two wouldn't happen to have a pistol, would ya?"

"Well, I have one. That great bastard enjoying the flora wasn't considered manly enough to have one."

"Oh, please," said Sofia. "I am far too bitter to be any good for eating at any rate," she said.

"Well Sam's too sweet for anything else," Dom said.

"Alright, well, as fellow maroonies, shall we work together?" Abi asked as Sam came out of his tree. Let's go off and look for food and meet back here."

"Aye, aye, sir!" said Sofia and Dom in unison. Sofia trotted off down the down the beach. Dom headed in vaguely the same direction. Sam wandered back into the vegetation.

Abi waited on the beach for a moment, then followed Sam into the forest. Halfheartedly, she looked for food, not that she really knew what to look for. Hearing a sound behind her, Abi didn't turn, assuming it was Sam, but she did become alert to the sound as it grew closer. Unable to bear it any longer, she spun, drawing her sword and finding a wild boar. She did a double take, and hesitantly ran it through. Now we'll have dinner, she thought as it twitched.

Meanwhile, Sofia, having found no birds or game, decided that fish might make for a pleasant dinner. She looked hurriedly around, but saw no one, so she stripped down to the bare essentials and waded into the surf. For a second time that day she fought the waves and dove underwater.

She quickly realized that the fish were far too quick to catch with her bare hands. Seaweed and lobsters were quite a different matter, however. Several pinched fingers later she arrived triumphantly at the surface with a lobster. She burst out of the water, holding her prize aloft. She did not notice until too late that Dom was standing on the beach. With a squawk she dove under the water again.

Dom looked out over the water. Were chickens common in the Caribbean? He was certain he had heard a squawk.

Going back to the real talent of the story, Abi was thinking about the man who had marooned them. Stupid fool, leaving us on an island with game.

She stopped, hearing something above her. Casually glancing upward she was Sam high up in the tree, eating a melon and staring off toward the shore.

"You're lucky I don' feel inclined to shoo' ya," Abi called, "cause yer bein' rather loud up there." He looked down, moving the melon so that she could see only his eyes, then going back to his melon. "What are ya doin'?"

"Watching Dom and Sofia."

"What are they doing?" Abi started to climb the tree. Sam reached his hand down to help.


	3. Chapter 3

FallenCherub picks up the script Poppet dropped after being scolded, looking over her shoulder to make sure no one's looking: It's ours! Ours! We must get the precious. We must get it back.

Poppet: FallenCherub, that will do.

FallenCherub: You want it for yourself!

Poppet: FallenCherub, DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJUROR OF CHEAP TRICKS! I AM NOT TRYING TO ROB YOU! I'm trying to keep you from being sued.

Note: Since it's never stated in the story I should tell you now, Sam is Sam from Benny and Joon.

What they were doing turned out to be an elaborate one-sided game of hide and seek. Dom was hunting around for clams or maybe Caribbean chickens. Sofia, on the other hand, was dodging from rock to rock, stark naked, with a struggling lobster in her hand. She was trying to maneuver her way to her clothes, which were stowed behind a rock out of Dom's way.

Abi snickered as the troublesome crustacean pinched Sofia's hand. She reflexively flung the lobster away. She dove behind a rock, out of Dom's sight, as the airborne lobster hit him in the head.

"I should go help her," Abi said, beginning to climb down.

"I'll help." Sam began to climb down after her.

"You carry the boar and I'll send Dom to help you, in theory."

She headed off to the beach calling Dom.

"Wha'?"

"Sam's gotta boar that I killed back there—help him fetch it back, will ya?" Abi shouted.

Sofia silently blessed Abi's courage and friendship, praising her graces to high heaven.

"Nah, he can git it himself. I'm busy!" shouted Dom, turning to the water. Panic filled Sofia at Dom's laziness. Abi marched across the sand and spun Dom around, gesturing quickly to Sofia to move.

"Ah, Dom," said Abi nervously, trying to distract him. "Ye oughtn't to be lookin' ou' there, lad. There's game enough in land. Lookin' ou' o'er the sea when the sun's setting ain't a good idea."

Sofia shot across to the rock where her clothes were hidden, but was forced to dive behind some driftwood as Dom turned him head back towards her.

"Why not?" he said, squinting out over the water.

Abi grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her. "Uh, think about it."

"About what?" said Dom suspiciously. Sofia moved slowly now, so as not to splash the water, her head just above the surface.

"Oh, uh, looking at the sun, ya know, um," Abi's eyes flicked to Sofia as the woman reached for her pants. Dom started to turn his head—"can make you see things!" Abi finished loudly, grabbing Dom's chin again.

"See things?" Dom repeated, raising one eyebrow.

"See things," Abi reiterated uselessly, stammering for words. "Like a seal or a…a…" Abi faltered, she could only think about Sofia, trying to dress behind a rock, but her butt was sticking out—"butt."

"What?" Dom asked sharply.

"A chicken butt, ya know…um…" Sofia was dressed and had run to the trees. "I'd better go, uh, help, uh, Sam with the naked I MEAN the boar. Bye!"

Abi sprinted off into the woods giggling. "Thanks mate," she said when she found Sofia. "I needed a good laugh."

"At least I got out of there without anyone seeing me, waving you of course."

Abi looked away.

"Abi, no one saw me, right?"

"Samwaswatchingyoufromatree," Abi blurred together.

"Oh God! Well…that's…quite an uncomfortable situation. What is it with him and trees anyway!"

Abi laughed again.


	4. Chapter 4

FallenCherub: (writing furiously in a notebook)

Poppet: (looks over her shoulder) Hey! (grabs the notebook)

A friend walks over and asks what's going on.

Poppet: She was writing about Pirates. Bad luck to be writing about Pirates without the permission of Gore Verbinski. Mark my words.

Friend: Consider them marked. On your way.

The four of them gathered wood and built up a fire. As the boar roasted, Abi and Sam bothered Dom endlessly about not finding anything, even after all that time on the beach. Finally, he stomped off into the darkness, grumbling about catching fish and killing people. Sofia quietly nursed her finger, the one the lobster had pinched, and tended the fire.

Finally, the boar was done, but Dom had not yet returned.

"Oi, Nakey," said Abi, addressing Sofia, "fetch Useless will ya?"

Sofia blushed furiously and marched into the vegetation, grumbling. She pushed through the thick shrubbery, cursing. She paused to remove a thorn when a crash made her look up. Suddenly, a force sent her flying forward onto the ground. A hand clapped around her mouth and Dom's voice whispered harshly in her ear.

"Don't move! There's too much to explain now, but there're navy soldiers on the island and I'm betting they haven't stopped by to have tea with marooned pirates. We've got to get Sam and Abi before the sailors do!"

Sofia looked up at him. They were very close.

"Sofia, about earlier today—" Dom started.

Sofia lunged at him, rolling onto him.

Back at the fire, Abi had become chilly. Sam put his arm around her to warm her.

Twenty minutes later, Dom sat up sharply, making Sofia fall. "Sam!"

"Oh, shit!" Sofia grumbled as Dom leapt up. "Do we have to?" But she didn't mean it. They ran through the vegetation. As they reached the beach, it was Sofia's turn to tackle Dom.

"Quiet," she hissed. "Soldiers."

Abi had stopped listening to what Sam was actually saying, but the sound of his voice was comforting. She leaned her head onto his shoulder just as there was a rustle to the left. Sam and Abi both drew their swords as about twenty soldiers rushed out of the forest.

Abi adopted a fighting stance, but she saw that Sam was a good bit frightened. If she fought, the soldiers might fight to kill and from the way Sam was holding his sword, Abi judged that Sam wouldn't be able to kill ten soldiers.

With a sigh she lowered her sword.

Sofia wriggled through the brush, cursing under her breath. She peered through a last screen of bushes and saw that the beach was empty. Dom, who was at her side, lunged forward, but she grabbed his leg, stopping him.

"Ever heard of a sentry, dolt?" She looked out into the dark. "There could be more of them."

She spun, running one through. "Like that."

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! I shouldn't have left him. He has no idea what he's doing."

"He's not bloody stupid and 'e's go' Abi." Sofia paused. "On second though', ye're righ'. We'd best go save 'em." She grabbed the dead sentry and shoved him at Dom. "'Ere, put his kit on. Ye'll be takin' me in as a prisoner."

"Well, 'ow the hell is that supposed to help?" snapped Dom, taking the sentry's jacket. "So ye and Sam and Abi will be captured, 'stead o' jus' Sam and Abi?"

"Ahh, bu' I got one dismantled pistol an' my lock pick, which you will help me smuggle on." Dom started to protest, but could think of nothing to say.

"That's actually a good idea…" he concurred.

"Course it is," said Sofia indignantly. "'S  mine innit?"


	5. Chapter 5

Poppet: It's bad luck to have a woman writing, no reviews…even a miniature one.

FallenCherub: Was that a short joke? (starts beating Poppet)

Note from Poppet: What's wrong with you people?! Review!

Abi sat brooding in the corner of her tiny cell.

"Abi?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah?"

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah."

"Well…why'd you give up?"

"Wha'?" She turned to face him in the next cell.

"You didn't fight."

"Oh," she sighed, falling back into her depression. "Didn' think we would win."

It was a sad excuse, but Sam didn't reply.

James rubbed his hands together warming them. He was supposed to be guarding the boat until the last pirates were found. He turned his head, seeing one of his fellow sentinels walking up, a struggling female in tow.

"Who goes there?" James shouted, lifting his gun.

"Oh, put it up," said the man, apparently annoyed. "I got a real cat here. I need to get her to the ship."

"Why can't she just stay here till we round up the others?"

"I dunno, orders from above," said the stranger, shrugging.

"Alright," said James dubiously.

"Right, so where's the brig?" Dom asked as they got onto the ship.

Sofia stopped struggling and looked at him.

"Well, it's not like I spent much time in one!" Sofia continued to look doubtful. "Fine, alright. I'll just tell you. I was the cook. Me and Sam worked in the galley, alright? Are you happy?"

Sofia gaped…and laughed. "Yer next left."

Abi jumped up as Sofia and Dom came in. "Sofia, not you too," she cried, doing more of the pre-planned, poorly acted routines they had. "Put her in my cell. I need some final…comfort…before I'm hung."

The guard who had been stationed near the brig to make sure that no ne'er do well cads escaped before the ship set sail spun and stared at Abi, his mouth hanging open. Abi saw the tip of Sofia's sword protruded from his stomach.

"That'll work," Abi said. "Get me out."

Dom unlocked the cells. Sofia looked around thoughtfully, her mind working out the logistics of a lunatic plan.

"Sofia?" asked Abi, waving her hand in front of her friend's face. "Fia?"

"It might work…" said Sofia dreamily.

"Uh-oh," Abi said, her mind racing along a similar track. "No, Sofi. It would _never_ work! You're crazy!"

Dom glanced at Sam, "Are you as lost as I am?" Sam responded with a shrug.

"But it could! Almost all the soldiers are onshore, and mot of the crewmembers too!"

"No, Fia."

"Come on, Abi, it's a 28 gun sloop. It's our ticket outta here."

"What?!" said Dom, alarmed.

"I'm suggesting—" Sofia started.

"She's suggesting," interrupted Abi, "that the four of us, take over this ship!"

The four of them walked quietly along the wall, swords out, hoping not to stumble upon any of the crew, but knowing they would have to deal with them eventually.

Turning the corner they found five men. They threw themselves back against the wall.

"Right," Sofia said. "Abi, you know what to do."

Abi cleared her throat, adjusted her long hair so that it hung around her face and made her look mysterious. Then she walked around the corner silently, swinging her hips. They didn't hear her so they didn't turn. She used this to walk in a half-circle around them approaching from the front.

Their brows wrinkled in confusion and the one closet began to speak.

"Shh," Abi said, putting her fingers on his lips. Then she kissed him, a very adult kiss, and just as he relaxed she took the pistol she had slipped out of his belt and shot one of his companions in the head, stabbing the soldier she was seducing in the stomach.

At that instant, Sofia stabbed a soldier and slit another's throat as she ran past them. Dom stabbed the final one in the back, piercing his lung. (FallenCherub: Sorry. Random graphic detail.)

A gunshot from behind them made them all spin, sped on by Sam's scream of pain. Another shot and pain streaked through Abi's arm.

Sofia yelled and grabbed a pistol from a soldier's dead hand and dove behind a barrel. The pistol had only one shot (ironically enough). She didn't want to miss. A shot tore the wood. Sofia peered over the barrel firing with a crack. There was a distant scream and a splash.

Abi and Dom found similar hiding places, also snatching up pistols. "Why'd you have to dismantle our goddamn pistol, Sof?" Abi screamed, leaning forward to shoot at one of the crew.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time!"


	6. Chapter 6

Poppet: I think it'd be rather exciting to meet Ted and Terry.

FallenCherub: Think again, Miss Poppet. Vile and dissolute creatures, the two of them.

Shots fill the air and FallenCherub falls down dead.

Note from the authors: We love Ted and Terry! Really we do! Never kill the dog!

     Also, if you're reading this straight from the little New Chapter e-mail thingy, you're gonna wanna go back and read the last one since there's no actual transition. I was just tired of typing last time and decided to stop in the middle of a scene. So go refresh your memory.

Five minutes later, Abi and Sofia had long since run out of ammo and were crouching low, praying for a miracle. Hearing the distant shouts of the crew on shore, drawn by the sound of battle, they knew they had failed. The wind picked up and the ship lurched forward, throwing the unexpecting (I made a new word! It's not quite unsuspecting and it's the opposite of expecting. Anyway…) crew, as well as Abi and Sofia, to the deck.

The girls looked at each other, noticing immediately that Dom was missing. Sofia was now staring at something over Abi's shoulder, making Abi turn. Dom and the dying Sam had managed to raise the anchor of the small vessel. (I know, I know, this is physically impossible, but me and a friend of mine have come up with a phrase that applies here…"For the plot's sake!" said in a Sean Bean voice) Both men were wet with sweat and even as they watched Sam took his dying breath. Gasping, blood dribbling out of his mouth, he slumped to the deck.

A few members of the frightened crew saw the two rejuvenated women and jumped overboard while they could still swim to shore. Now there were only fifteen men left. Sofia charged first, moving quickly. Abi was more hesitant, having switched to her left hand because of the bullet lodged in her right arm.

Fortunately, the rest of the crewman consisted of the poorly treated foremast Jacks, who surrendered with barely a fight.

Abi pushed the prisoners back and had them lie on the deck, an appropriated pistol keeping them under control. Sofia stalked cautiously to the captain's cabin and opened it.

Sofia peered into the well-lit room, finding herself face to face with a well-tanned man sitting behind a desk of mahogany. He was calm, despite the half empty glass of rum beside him. His dark hair was pulled into a ponytail and his eyes were a dark chocolate. He was not as neat as some captains she had seen. His shirt was slightly unbuttoned and his sleeves rolled up.

"Madam," said the man, his voice a light pleasant one with a slight lilt, suggesting Irish/cockney heritage. "You have me at a disadvantage." He seemed to struggle with the language, but handled it admirably.

"Ye bet yer arse I do!" Sofia said, pointing her sword at his nose. "I have taken over yer ship."

"I assumed as much when you all came in. What can I help you with?"

The girls looked at each other. "I…uh…" For once in her life, Sofia was speechless.

(AbusedDancer: I have stolen your sacred book of Pirates. Mwa-ha-ha-ha.)

"Ye will be catchin' up to our friends," said Abi, seeing Sofia's lack of words.

"Right, our friend," Sofia repeated as she looked questioningly at Abi. Had she lost her mind, who the bloody hell was she talking about.

"But ye'll be stayin' 'ere til we need ya," Abi said as she pulled a dazed Sofia out into the fresh sea air.

Back in the cabin the captain gathered his maps. It was clear that these women were perhaps the worst pirates he'd ever seen. He walked over to his beautiful bureau. He looked longingly at it and walked over, gingerly fingering the neck of one of those beautiful bottles. God, it had been so long since he had had a proper drink. Sailors under his command weren't allowed to drink on the job, but he was no longer an employee of the Royal Navy. He was a prisoner of two lady pirates. He pulled off the top and took a long drink. The sweet liquid hit the spot, and by the nightfall he was _truly_ drunk for the first time.

(Thanks to Bubba's friend, Billy-Bob, AbusedDancer has been taken away. Unfortuanately not done away with. Billy-Bob isn't as ruthless as Bubba, but Bubba is in jail so…Right…well then…now that I've babbled on the chapter can actually end.)


	7. Chapter 7

Walt Disney: I intend to see to it that any man who writes using a Pirates name or publishes a Pirates story gets what he deserves. A short drop and a sudden stop. (mimes hanging)

Abi and Sofia told Dom to guard the captain and went to the wheel to discuss their plans.

"What're we gonna do wiv 'im?" Abi asked, gesturing towards the captain's cabin.

"Keep 'im if 'e's good, kill 'im if 'e's not. We need a crew so assuming he's willing to work wiv us…But shat abou' us? What're we gonna do abou'…?"

"You mean, am I mentally capable of running the ship? No." There was an awkward pause and Sofia fidgeted, wanting to get out of the situation. Abi turned and began to walk away. "I do expect to be first mate, though, luv. I'll deal wiv the cap'n."

Slamming open the door to the captain's cabin, Abi startled the man out of his drunken stupor. "What's yer name?" She had a headache so she didn't put much fire into the question, nor try to frighten him.

"Jack Sparrow, at your service."

"Well, Mr. Sparrow—"

He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it quickly. "What?" Abi asked.

"I'm just used to being called 'Captain,' but it's a little different now."

Abi looked at him. "There are few reasons fer givin' up such a title, Cap'n." He cocked his head, wanting an explanation, but she wouldn't give it. "What I want to know is whether or not you can work under pirates."

"You're not going to kill me? The captain of the ship you just took over?"

"No use wastin' a good man, righ'?"

He looked at her, trying to find her hidden motive.

"Right. Well, then, yeah, I'll work for you."

"Good. Abigail Tique, yer firs' mate. Yer captain is Sofia Drake. An' yer cook is Dom Monaghan. You'll be movin' ou' o' this room, obviously." She stood up and started to head out. As the doors closed behind her she called, "It's yer ship. I assume you can settle yerself."

Abi joined Sofia at the rail and they watched the sun set over the sea.

The next morning Abi was ordered to further search the ship. She was below decks when she saw Jack moving silently towards the brig. Her brow furrowed as she followed him. He walked up to a cell and, removing food from under his coat, said, "Well, now you know of _my_ prisoner, Miss Tique." He unlocked the door as Abi walked over.

As Jack swung open the door he said, "I ordered he hide down here when I learned that you had escaped."

Abi caught a glimpse of the man and gasped. "Joshamee Gibbs!" She slapped him. (Not: Yes, yes, I know this isn't correct according to the whole Gibbs line "That was before I met him, back when he was captain of the Black Pearl." But for the plot's sake…!)

Sofia poked her head below decks, blind in the gloom. "I was certain I heard the unmistakable noise of someone getting slapped by Abi," she said.  "Miss Tique's style is unforgettable. Well, one more crewman, then."

"NO!" snapped Abi. "You're wrong! Joshamee is the most unreliable, irresponsible, stupid, shagging, lazy—"

"He'll fit in fine, then," grinned Sofia.

"Bitch," muttered Abi.

The five-man crew made it safely into Tortuga a week later. Abi laughed at Jack's face when they entered the city and wasn't surprised when Gibbs knew where he was going. Jack noticed as well and shot a glare at his old first mate.

"Sorry, mate," Gibbs said. "If it weren't fer you I woulda turned pirate a while ago. I go' friends here. I go' no friends in the Navy, anymore. Save you."

Abi's lip curled in rage as Gibbs eyed some whores.


	8. Chapter 8

FallenCherub: (Holding AbusedDancer back with a very large club) AbusedDancer we appreciate your fervor, but we're afraid of the effect this subject will have upon our story.

AbusedDancer: I find it all fascinating.

FallenCherub: Yes, that's what concerns us.

Note: Jesus Christ! School is so intense. I probably won't be able to update for a while. But if you review it may just make me update sooner. I'd also like to apologize for the random ending last chapter. I was just really tired of typing, so…

Sofia led them into a bar and sat them down in a relatively quiet corner. "Now Jack, I'm assumin' you're goin' wiv Gibbs, and Gibbs, if you know someone else you'd rather go wiv, that's fine, but yer both welcome to stay wiv us."

Abi groaned and got up, taking her rum with her. An hour later she was wandering the streets, eyes wide, having forgotten where she was.

"'Ello, pretty," a drunk pirate looking for a good time said, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

Abi screamed, running him through with a hidden dagger. Unfortunately for her, but fortunately for the plot, a large chunk of his crew was milling around nearby, also drunk, also looking for a good time, and a little pissed that she had killed one of their mates.

Five of them raced towards her. She killed them easily, but more kept coming. When a sword cut her arm near where it had been shot, she screamed, dropping her dagger and lashing out with her bare hands.

The men backed away, shocked by this behavior.

Jack, seeing her, ran over and threw his weight against her, grabbing her hands and throwing her against the wall. She struggled fiercely. "Hey. Hey. Hey!" he yelled with increasing volume and intensity. "Hey," he said gently as she calmed down. She looked at him and her eyes focused. She collapsed, her head hitting the wall.

Jack lunged down to grab her. She was crying.

"Holy shit," Jack murmured, stroking her hair. "Get!" he snapped up at the crowd watching them.

"Oh Jesus!" yelled Sofia, seeing the situation and guessing its cause. Sofia ran over to Abi, kneeling beside her. She ran an appraising eye over Abi's wounds and sighed. "Abi, Abi," she said, similar to Salma Hayek speaking to Loki near the end of Dogma, "can't you stay out of trouble for five seconds while I not watching?"

Abi's only response was to slide into unconsciousness.

"Jack, do us a favor and take her back to the ship? After that I don' care where ya go."

(AbusedDancer has managed to work her way in again. I'm so sorry.)

When they reached the dock, they were both silent. Jack had put his arm around Abi to steady her. He helped her climb onto the ship.

"Come with me," he commanded in a low sexy voice. (Poppet shakes her head.) Abi looked up into his eyes. God she was sexy. She was a fiery piece of ass, not respectable like the women he had courted in the past.

He guided her to his cabin, (Poppet buries her head in her hands) his touch firm but somehow gentle as he pulled her around. She bit her lip, not wanting to admit her arm hurt.

"I'm sorry Jack. I shouldn't have—"

At this he stopped her with his mouth. (Poppet, unable to bear it any longer, bashes AbusedDancer over the head with a flower pot.)

"Holy shit," she breathed.

ChasteActress: You're all prostitutes!

Poppet begins to open mouth.

ChasteActress: Yeah, I loathe you too.

Poppet: For the plot's sake, ChasteActress, shut up!

Then ChasteActress died. And no one cared. Well, it was for the plot's sake after all.


End file.
